The following is a twenty-minute refresher course for those Republicans who have decided the conservative movement is trying to tear apart the party. The rest of you may take notes as well, because I’m only going to say this once:
We’re not trying to tear the party apart! We’re doing our damnedest to strengthen it by cutting out the cancer from within!
And now for the course. The following is an outline of our beliefs. The points contained herein are what we, as conservatives, would like to see every Republican official sign and be bound to before they take office.
If the party would truly unite under this document — the one that is designed to unite us all — then there would be no debate right now. But what we have are liberals who know that South Dakota is a red state, so they run under the banner of the Republican party. They are not Republicans who differ in opinion from us, they are Democrats too cowardly to run on their own ticket.
So without further ado, I present to you this revolutionary document, outlining our beliefs. And in doing so, I ask you: